Blog

CONFLICT AND LOSS

2012-03-23T16:09:59Z

As I have worked through the years with issues of change and loss, I have come to understand that there is a direct relationship between conflict and loss. Conflict between people is almost always about someone losing something. When conflict occurs in organizations, some in the group will lose something that matters even as others may gain something that they feel is more important. The inability to grieve loss contributes to the intensifying of the conflict. If you would like more on this topic, I have just published a book with my colleague and friend, Bernie Lyon. It is called, "How to Lead in Church Conflict: Healing Ungrieved Loss" (Nashville: Abingdon, 2012.) It is available at Abingdon Press or on Amazon.com. In the book we explore a psycho-dynamic perspective on group life and how a leader's ability to be present with a "heart of flesh" can help a group grieve losses and open themselves to new ways of living life together.

HATE

2011-12-03T14:44:52Z

I am reading "Love" by Toni Morrison. I came across a scene where Bill Cosey has died and the Cosey girls fought over his coffin. "Standing there, one to the right, one to the left, of Bill Cosey's casket, their faces, as different as honey from soot, looked identical. Hate does that. Burns off everything but itself, so whatever your grievance is, your face looks just like your enemy's." (34)

Hate has a way of sucking all the life out of those who share it. The unique gifts of insight and caring that make us who we are disappears and the rigid stare of hate glares from each face. Thus, hate replicates itself. When we look into the face of others, we see mirrored back our own stony passion.

Something to ponder.

CHURCH GROWTH AND GRIEF

2011-08-18T12:58:21Z

This came from a friend. I find that I disagree with the premise of Mr. Anderson. Grief is not killing the church--our fear of grieving is killing the church. My colleague Bernie Lyon and I will publish a book in April, 2012 "How to Lead in Church Conflict: Healing Ungrieved Loss" (Abingdon) and in that book we define grieving as "learning to live again in the absence of someone or something significant." Conflict over the future is grounded in our fear of what we will lose in the future. Our assumption is that grieving well is the way to move forward toward the world that God is creating. Churches who embrace the future are ones that are able to name their losses and pain, express their anger over the loss of their identity, remember well enough that the past is memorialized and human, confess their guilt and shame and embrace the forgiving grace of God that frees them to move forward. Then grateful hearts are freed to imagine and play with new possibilities and the church can not only vision a new future but can access the energy to move toward it. The future is grounded in the soil of the past and grieving is the way churches discover the germinating seeds that will become their future. Our advice is therefore that congregations grieve their losses as a way of welcoming the future.

How do you think grief effects the vitality of church growth?

http://www.churchleadership.com/leadingideas/leaddocs/2011/110817_article.html

SIGNPOSTS

2011-08-04T21:38:30Z

Hiking in the woods, 10 degrees cooler than it has been for a month--30 % less moisture in the air. I was hiking more erect, without the weight of the heat and humidity. It felt more alive, noticing the morning light tickling the trees, listening to the little-bit-tired and stressed leaves scrathing each other. Then, out of the corner of my eye, a large yellow maple leaf fluttered to the ground. I glanced up and here and there saw a few more leaves turning brown and yellow. Still August, but all the signs are there--shorter days and the slightly turning leaves--whispers of what is to come.

This is the way most change in life occurs--with subtle and hard to notice shifts in the wind or the color. We hardly notice them till we slow down and look more carefully, listen more closely, taste more fully. Then we see the change. Then we see the way some things are fading, making room for new experiences. These subtle signs of change are gifts when they are noticed--occasions to look back at the summer and savor the gifts--the long and lazy days, the vine-ripe red tomatoes, the herbs from the garden, the cold beer after a hot lawn mow. Gifts of the warm days of summer. And this time of change is also a time to anticipate--to imagine the cooler nights and the clearer days, the emerging colors of autumn's decay, the deck parties and fires in the fire-pit. On the cusp we celebrate memory and hope, sentimentality and imagination.

What a gift--the slowing down and the noticing--the recalling and the dreaming. Loss is not always easy, but sometimes it opens us up to what we have received and what we look forward to. When we grieve well we notice the signs and we can open ourselves to the new that is emerging.

THE GIFT OF TREES

2011-07-16T17:20:37Z

Hiking the other day--surrounded by hundreds of trees--some 50-75-100 years old. Realized how grateful I am for trees. They dig deeper daily into the soil, gripping it and holding it, preventing erosion, facilitating stability. Branches become homes for birds, space for nests. Leaves hang on, clapping in the wind. They shade the animals and an occasional human kind. Later they lose their green, fade to gold and brown, let go and litter the land, dying and decaying, providing nourishment for the future. And at their very core they store the stories of the forest--the rain and snow is recorded, the drought and the stress is captured, ring after ring the story of the life of the tree and the life of the woods is stored. (Probably why the cracking and popping when the wood is finally cut and burned in the fire place--stories being sung in the night, released by the fire.) Trees don't race around chasing life. They just absorb the rain and sun, filtering the air and cleaning it for breathing creatures. Making life better for all. I am grateful for the gift of trees.

WHERE THE FUTURE COMES TO AUDITION

2011-04-21T15:21:35Z

Esquire magazine’s article on Mayor Bloomberg indicated that a previous mayor said of his city, “New York is where the future comes to audition.” (Esquire, Feb 2011, (90).

2 January 1986, New York (NY) Times, “Text of the Address Delivered by Mayor Koch at His Third Inaugural,” pg. B5: says “New York is the place where the future comes to rehearse.”

These quotes got me to thinking, “Where does the future come to audition or rehearse when we retire?” “How do we find a place to audition the new self that we are becoming? When we get a glimpse of what that new self might be, where do we go to rehearse the role that we are becoming?”

When we were young, those of us who were fortunate enough to go to university went there to audition and rehearse the new self that we were becoming. But, where do we go to do that when we are late in life and changing our way of interacting with the world?

I don't know the answer but am working on it. Any ideas?

FORGIVENESS, FUTURE AND COMMUNITY

2011-03-26T16:15:14Z

Forgiveness is fundamentally about freedom. It is the core of freedom for the future. Those who move forward into the future and find a new home in the emerging world are people who have experienced forgiveness. Forgiveness frees us from the power of the past to control our future.

Frees us from being locked into the past

Free to have the past available to us so that it helps us navigate the future.

Pain of loss or trauma often locks us into itself--into the event or series of events--and we are blinded to the full memory of what the person or the life we had was really about. Without fullness of understanding, those events often distort our understanding of the present and the future.

Frees us from the distortion that comes from intense pleasure of what has been lost. High School football star--often relives the glory days--everything was great--full of energy and life--hope and power--praise and achievement--nothing can ever match it. Pleasure can lock us into the past and we are not free to move into the future with the same hope and energy.

Free from the anger at the past for not being want we wanted it to be--mostly for not being permanent. If it was important in defining who we knew ourselves to be, when it is gone, we have to reinvent ourselves--redefine ourselves without that other reality--a minister who is loved and hated--both people have to forgive him for leaving because both the lovers and the haters now have to define themselves in relationship to something else--maybe each other. Forgiveness frees us to that task. Frees us to discover a fuller identity.

Free to redefine the relationships in the future. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting the past--to forget is considered dementia and we lose our identity. But forgiving helps us remember who we are--even as persons who have been hurt--to learn from who we have been in a effort to help us discover who we might yet be.

We forgive and are forgiven to be freed for a different future.

We long to be free for a new future.

But we fear freedom.

Freedom opens up more choices. But when we are not accustomed to choices, more choices often paralyzes us--choice anxiety.

Making choices is experienced differently according to the amount of resources we have to use in the choice.

Take money. If we have a million dollars it is probably isn’t as difficult to make a choice about which car to buy. We can choose and then, if we make a mistake, we have enough resources to lose some on the deal and pick a new one.

If on the other hand we make $50,000 per year, the choice of a car will be more difficult. We have less room to make a mistake. For if we choose the wrong car, having enough resources to replace it will be more difficult to come by.

It seems to me that this is what happens to us in this phase of reorientation in our lives. In earlier years, we always thought we had time to make up for mistake we might have made when making our choices. But at our age, we know that we have limited time--and we don’t want to make a wrong choice --so choice anxiety regarding how we are going to spend our limited resources of time might be more paralyzing.

One of the key problems with freedom is that we are given more choices but are unclear how to make responsible decisions about those choices

Freedom is about responsibility--the ability to respond.

Freedom is about picking something or someone new to whom to be responsible. We find some other value or ideal or person or job to respond to.

If we were partnered, that primary partner gave structure to our responses. We knew that when it came to the commitment of our time, she/he would receive more of it than many of our other relationships. But, when that partner is no longer there, the value priority that he/she offered is not there. We have freedom to respond to many other people--and we have choices--but are uncertain about how to value them and thus allow that value to shape our decision making.

Same with work--work requires commitment, predictability, significant time. Because of our commitment of time to that work, we don’t have as many other choices. We can’t respond to as many other offers of things to do with our time. But, when that work is gone, we have freedom to choose to respond to many other things--without the structure that having to make money gave us.

Thus, if forgiveness is about freedom, and freedom is about responsibility--the ability to respond--then sometimes our inability to forgive the past for not being permanent is grounded in our fear of freedom.

And this then becomes a spiritual issue. Who can we trust in a future which is unpredictable?

This is the issue that the Hebrew people had. Their faith in God was tested as they were free from slavery--wandering in the wilderness. Was the God of their ancestors trustworthy in the future? Do we really believe that the God who provided offspring to old Sarah and Abraham will provide bread for us? Do we really believe that the God who experienced the dying of the old order will have the ability to hold us while the new order is being structured? Can we forgive God for not making the way things were the way things will always be? Can we forgive God for not making permanent the structures we have come to love and trust? Our ability to believe in God is directly related to our ability to be freed from the pain of not getting the world the way we wanted it so that we can be open to seeing the way God is remaking the world of the future.

And what does it take for us to make that trust operative within our hearts and not just some mental commitment?

I think it takes a community of people--a steadfast community--one that is God like--that is one that will be there, suffering with me in my transition in life. Loss and transition are times of deep vulnerability where we fear for our very existence--because our existence as we have known it is threatened at worse and shaky at best. The presence of faithful companions is critical to our ability to trust that God will be there in our unknown future with some structure that will make us feel safe. When we are feeling like a stranger to ourselves, it is good to have persons around who help us remember who we were and who find us interesting even when we are strange. But more importantly, who will be there for and with us as we welcome the stranger and become friends with the new world in which we are living.

SOUL WORK

2011-03-14T18:45:37Z

Soul work is more like life in the forest than your front lawn.

Soul work is slow and decaying, metabolizing the memories of old life so as to enrich the birthing and growing of new life. As I walk thorugh the forest, old trees have fallen, rotting and fertilizing, absorbing into the soil. Leaves lay dying and decompsoing, creating humus for the seedlings of new roots to take hold.

My front lawn has the priviledge of being cleaned, racked and old decaying stuff carted off. This is what some people would like to do with the past--get it away--forget it--so that they can bring in chemicals and change the landscape of the future. While this may create green, manicured lawns, this is not the kind of life that creates soulful living.

Death and loss are a given in life. The question isn't whether or not they will happen. It is what we do with them when they happen. I believe that the way for moving forward requires that we allow the memories to hang around to inform and shape us, nourishing the soul for the new self that is emerging to grow. Tell stories about what is gone. Let the words swirl and race across the heart like dried leaves before the autum wind. Let the words dance and die, decomposing and nourishing your soul. Too much clearing away the old and dying rather than letting it be absorbed into the soil of the future leaves the future without the rich soul food to hopes for tomorrow.

DIVING IN

2011-02-25T13:44:06Z

It had rained for a day and a night. I was in a downtown coffee shop enjoying the gifts of retirement. It was a slow morning. The owner's wife and 2 children had come to have breakfast. As they were leaving mother dressed the kids for rain. The all walked outside toward home. Before they went 10 feet out the door, the almost 2 years old boy headed right for the gift to all little boys--an ankle deep puddle of water. And, ignoring his mother's protestations, he walked right in! Oh, to be young.

There is something seductive about the abandon with which almost 2 year olds take on the world. They are curious and when something looks interesting, they explore. They dive right in.

What is it about getting older that keeps us from divng into life? What keeps us from tasting and exploring the unknown. What sucks out our curiosity?

I think it may be a lack of grace. It may be fear that we will make a mistake. It may be that we will become the mistake we make. It may be that people will not forgive our mistake. Ankle deep water dries, but some of the consequences of our mistakes don't disappear with a warm dry towel.

Certainly caution has saved my life more than once. But, oh to have a small measure of that little almost 2 year old's curiousity and freedom to explore.

JOB LOSS

2011-02-14T16:41:50Z

Losing a job is a major time for pain and grief. Even if opportunities open up because you lost the job, there are many things about a job loss that are a real challenge.

To grieve any loss, it is important to identify the multiple layers of loss that occur when something significant, like a job, disappears. If we name the multiple losses in any loss, we can understand not only why the pain lingers but what we need learn to live without or find some other way to satisfy the need that the loss creates. Just naming those losses can be helpful.

Here are a few things that you might discover that disappears when you lose a job:

1. Contact with job friends.

2. Purpose that comes from getting up each day and having something to do that others expect you to do.

3. Focus that comes from particular tasks that the job offers.

4. Confidence in yourself as being able to do a job.

5. Trust in the system to provide you with meaningful work.

6. Income to support you and your family.

7. Confidence in the future.

8. Hope that is grounded in a predictable present.

9. Confidence in your ability to get a new job.

10. Confidence in your ability to come up with the new skills for a new job.

These are just a few things that you might lose when you lose a job. To grieve the loss of a job (that is to learn to live again in the absence of this significant activity by which much of your life has been defined) requires a journey of discovering yourself and your new future. But, it begins with the naming of the multiple layers of loss. Keep a list. Add to it.

And when you do, you can then begin to find ways to address the different losses. While you are re-focusing and moving toward a new job or career, begin to address some of the losses that you can focus on at the same time.