PROVIDING A BED

Listening is providing a bed for someone to dump out their suitcase on.” This profound insight is from my good friend, Gerry Janzen, Professor Emeritus at Christian Theological Seminary. Everyone who knows Gerry knows that, when he says something like that, there is more to come.

Gerry told me of his sitting beside a man on a long airplane flight. The man “spilled his guts”. He shared one problem after another. He did it with no expectation that Gerry would solve the problems. He did it knowing that he would likely never see Gerry again. Why would he do this? Why do we share our problems with others?

Gerry then told of traveling years ago with his family, first from Indianapolis to Vancouver BC. It was a 3 week trip. They returned home for 3 days and then traveled to Boston for 3 weeks. He said that when you are on this kind of trip, you want days when you can just dump out your suitcase on the bed and sort through the stuff. It always feels better when you put everything back in, folded and in some semblance of order. 

This, Gerry says, is what listening provides. It is a bed on which people can dump their dirty, rumpled and used lives, sort through their chaos to see where important things are, and then put it all back into the suitcase and get back in their lives and move on. When we live out of our suitcase, when we are always on the move, it is nice to take time to sort through our stuff and organize it. 

When you are sitting with someone and they are pouring out their heart to you, it may be sufficient to just allow them to dump. They might then sort it through, get some degree of organization, and find freedom to move forward with their life. What a gracious gift to offer!

MASS MUSINGS

We were invited to join our granddaughter at her school  The school was having a Mass to celebrate grandparents. We loved being with her as we sang the songs and heard about how important we are in the lives of grandchildren.  

When it came time for the Eucharist I was reminded of the many other times I have been in churches where I was unable to take communion. I was saddened by the fractured church of Jesus Christ of which I am a part. For centuries we have imperfectly tried to work out how to follow the one who broke down barriers between people. We have a lot of work to do. 

But, on this occasion, my mind was on something more personal.  I was not reflecting on how these church practices exclude others because of important theological differences, but how I have excluded others from my heart’s table because of important differences.  

How many times have I given someone a look that made them feel unwelcome in my presence? How often have I been reluctant to sit down at table with others who hold different perspectives? How many times have I been hurt and not been anxious to sit at table with others whose actions hurt me? What can I do to overcome my contribution to exclusionary behavior?  

So, on this occasion, I celebrated mass seeking forgiveness for my own contribution to the separation to which I have contributed. I want to have the courage and grace to open my heart’s table.  I am glad for the glimpses of wholeness I get when brokenness is overcome in hugs and tears. 

DRESS-UP

Sometimes we have to play dress-up. We have to pretend that we are more than we are. To fit into the social setting we find ourselves, we have to act a certain way. As children, we learn to fit it. We learn to deny parts of ourselves so that we can be accepted in the family, in the social group. It is an important social skill to play dress-up.

As adults, we also pay roles. Roles are the way we fit into jobs, into religious groups, into schools. We take on a function and then offer that function to the organization. If we are an administrative assistant, our role in the organization is to assist an administrator. Obviously we are more than that role, but the role is what we have to take in that setting. We dress for the role.

But, we also pay other roles. We are more than an administrative assistant.  We are the role we play in the office.  But we are also the role we play at home, or with our friends, or in the church, or in the PTA. We play dress-up here and there, trying to fit in and live the parts that others need us to live.

But there are other times when we must come from behind the cardboard cut-out and look in the mirror and see the deeper longings and needs that reside within us.  Our soul can't survive if it is swallowed in the clothes of other's expectations all the time. Our heart has to take off the mask and run free. Our spirit has to exercise it's muscles so that the truth of who we are doesn't get lost in all the trappings of playing roles.

So, I recommend that we organize our lives so that we have time to pray, or to mediate, or to rest with the deeper, quiet longings of the heart. I find that in centering prayer. I find it in walking. I find it in sitting on the deck, staring at the pond. Resting in the soul that was created by God, and which pleases God just as it is, provides me moments of peace. I hope you find your moments as well. 

COMPASSSION

We are drawn to compassionate people. Yet, it isn't always easy to be compassionate. In his book, "The Roots of Sorrow: A Pastoral Theology of Suffering", Phil Zylla develops a way to talk about God and suffering. One of the movements that we must make if we are to try to talk about faith and pain is to move from indifference to compassion.

Compassion literally means, "to suffer with." But, Mr Zylla believes that this doesn't fully reflect what Christian compassion is.  It isn't simply to find yourself in a place where others suffer and to stand with them. He says that "compassion is the capacity to move toward suffering rather [than] away from it." He believes that in this regard, compassion isn't natural. He suggests that we are repelled by suffering. We prefer to move away from it rather than to it.

I understand what he is getting at. I would agree that we often avoid suffering of others. But, I also know that when we have a deep and abiding connection to the other, we are drawn toward their suffering. If our child is injured, we are drawn to them. If our sibling is in pain, we are impelled to move toward the pain. There is a desire to share the pain with the hope that our presence might help ease the suffering.

But Mr Zylla is right in that many cases we move away from suffering of those we don't know. We often don't know what to do and don't like to be somewhere that we are helpless. That is why it is often helpful to be part of organizations such as the church who create opportunities for us to be compassionate--to move toward suffering rather than away from it. With some guidance and some presence of others, we gain courage to share suffering with others.

What communities are you part of that help you develop your compassion? What kind of suffering are you willing to walk toward?  

POSSESSIVE LOVE

I don’t know about you, but when I love someone or something, I want to hold on to it. I want to protect it. I want to nurture the relationship so that I can continue to love, but just as importantly, so I can continue to receive the love I feel from the other.

But, sometimes loving another this way assures that we will lose that love. For if we try to keep getting the love we want to hold on to, we are inclined to keep seeing the other as they were when we got the love we wanted. A possessive love assumes that love is available only as we have known it and only from the person as they are.

This possessiveness is grounded in a sense of scarcity. When I don’t think there will be enough to sustain me in the future, I hoard that which I have. If I am afraid that there will not be enough love to sustain me in the future, I will want to store up as much of it as I can so it is there when love runs low. 

But, from what I have learned in living, those who believe that there is love enough to nourish a needful soul, discover that indeed there is plenty. When we live in the fear that we won’t have enough, we hang onto what is and there is no room for another kind of love to enter our lives. When we define love as one thing, we miss all the other experiences of love that are there to be received. 

And when we believe there is enough love to sustain us, we will also give love away. What we have received will be made available without reserve to others with whom we come in contact. It may indeed to be more blessed to give than to receive, but maybe that is because when we give love freely, we simply open ourselves to receive the blessed love of others.