CLEANSING TEARS

Photo by BK Farish

What do you do when you are overcome with pain, when sadness absorbs you? What do you do when you can’t find words to express your sadness and anger?

If Facebook is any measure of the human spirit, today many people are grieving the loss of one of the gifts to our human experience of life and joy. Robin Williams died and his death seems to have reached beyond the understanding of the human mind. It seems so unfair that one who brought us so much laughter could feel such despair.

So, what do we do when we don’t understand? What do we do when we don’t want to believe what we know to be true?

There is nothing that will make it all OK.  But I once wrote the following: “Feeling the pain is . . . . important for helping the body release the toxins created by suffering. The bone and sinew in the body are scarred by emotional trauma and hold the hurt well beyond the heart’s ache. Tears can provide a healing release for the whole system when they are allowed to flow.”

Some tears are best when soaking in solitude. But, it is also important to find a friend’s hand and hold it. It is good to know we are  not alone. Sometimes sharing tears can help us connect to the human spirit that animates us. When we are broken together we experience the spirit that comes only when the raw edges of pain touch each other. Mingled tears open us to the deeper connections in our lives that nourish us when despair invades.

Because we are connected, we will suffer with each other even as we will rejoice with each other. Being able to share these deep spaces in our lives will help us discover strength to endure bitter despair and drink sweet joy.

THE BEST WAY

So many things in life are not a matter of answers to questions. Deb and I share life together. We are individuals who feel deeply and see life from perspectives that have been shaped by decades of living—each with our own histories.

As we navigate the exigencies of love, relationships, family, work, play, we come up against conundrums. We are not always clear how to move forward. So, we stop, sit and take time to talk. We take time to share our individual insights. We explore why each of us feels the way we do.

The discussion inevitably moves to the question, “With this being the reality, how do we move forward?” Occasionally there is a clear cut answer. More frequently, the way forward is unclear. We don’t come up with an answer that sums up the problem and reveals a clear solution.

And sometimes we discover that the conversation itself was helpful. It may have taken some of the edge off the issue. We discover that each of us shares some perspectives in common, and therefore we are not alone. We also find we have some different perspectives. But, because we love and respect each other, we can live with the differences and appreciate the gifts that each offers to our life together.

In his poem A Servant to Servants, Robert Frost has this line: “The best way out is always through.”  When we are tempted to think that the way out of our problem is to avoid it, it is helpful to remember this poetic directive. By facing the issue, ourselves and each other in loving regard, we don’t necessarily discover answers—but we discover each other and in that we find our way into our future together.

POSTED

Relationships might be easier if we had better signage.  Or if we were better at reading signs.

Sometimes I need to put a sign on the door of my heart, “Posted—NO Trespassing—Keep Out.” There are times when the heart needs solitude—space—silence; when the desire to keep one’s own counsel is appreciated and honored.

But, there are other times that I want to put the “Welcome” mat out. These are times when the heart sets up chairs and is ready for a visitor or two; people who will come in and share the tender joys and the aching pain of life with me. The flashing neon “Open” sign is plugged in.

And there are other times when the heart feels desperate—when it opens the windows and in black, bold hand lettering cries, “Help—Please!! Come In—I Need You!” These are times when the heart’s desire for solitude has grown into a desperate loneliness; when fear and despair occupy the chairs I set out for company.

There are many other signs.  They express a range of the heart’s desires. And we either fail to put them up and keep people guessing about what we need, or others around us fail to have their eyes checked so they can read them.  Either way, much of the stress of relationships is related to this problem with signage. 

And maybe we would have less trouble with stumbling into each other if we learned the many non-verbal signs that people use to tell us what their heart is feeling. Or maybe we could learn to say where we are instead of blaming others for not reading well. Or, maybe we could discover grace, offered when others miss the cues and commit to better signage in the future. 

LOVIE

My four year old nephew has a handful of comfort. It is a remnant of soft fabric that he salvaged from a larger blanket that has worn itself out being dragged around.  He calls it his “lovie.”

We all have had “lovies”. Mine was an old rag doll that was received so much love and gave so much comfort that it wore itself out. Other children have a stuffed animal or a pillow. These are things that children get attached to that gives them a sense of comfort. They are the sought after thing when the child is distressed or upset.

Some people think that we out-grow our “lovies".  They think that it is important that a child give up their talisman that connects them to childhood. They worry that dependence on something like that will stunt the emotional growth of the child.

But when we were in Athens a few years ago, I saw old men sitting around the plaza, talking and threading their worry beads between their fingers. In Cuba I saw women sitting, fingering their rosaries. In high school hallways I see young people cupping in their hands a mobil device, their thumbs tapping away at the screen. “Lovies”!!

And I still have “lovies”.  My hot cup of coffee in the morning resting in my lap as I ease into the day; the smell of garlic and onions sizzling in the skillet; the touch of Deb’s fingers running through my hair; the shot of bourbon and taste of olives and cheese as we ease out of the tensions of the day and settle into the calm of the evening; the familiar pillow as I lay down to rest my mind with sleep.

We all need “lovies” to help us know we are going to be OK.  Or at least, we need these moments when we can rest in the reality of what and who we are.

BIG HEADACHE

Is it possible to make someone who is unhappy happy? Do you feel like it is your responsibility to make the people around you happy?

I recently read that new studies (not sure who did the study) which shows that when someone is feeling down about something, it only makes things worse to try to cheer them up by trying to point out that they  might look at the situation differently. The study suggested that trying to give people the positive spin on what they feel is negative only makes them feel worse.

The study also posits that people who are feeling down have to discover their own joy and that sometimes it helps simply to agree with them that “the situation sucks”. I am not sure but maybe the empathy frees them up to discover their own view of possible positive dimensions to their situation.

I think author Irene Beckerman’s grandmother said it best when she told her granddaughter, "If you have to stand on your head to make somebody happy, all you can expect is a big headache.”

This insight might be a new and inexpensive remedy to one of the most common pains that humans experience.