FEELINGS

Sometimes it is bigger than words. Our thoughts can’t wrap themselves around it. Complexity and size defy words. When comprehension fails, we feel. Our feelings rise up and envelope us. And sometimes when words fail, tears fall and/or laughter erupts. During this pandemic I have found myself on the edge. Being boxed in physically tends to box in my emotions. And when I least expect it tears rim my eyes or laughter chuckles in my throat. My body must find release.

The pain of loss is real. It is often visceral. We can’t explain it all. Profound loss often leaves us wordless. Afraid. The uncertainty of the world around us collides with the raw, ragged edges of our emotions. The mind struggles to know even as the emotions of fear, loss, loneliness, and helplessness seek strength to sustain. Even as we seek information to know what to do about the threat of the virus we struggle to know how to manage the emotional storm inside our souls.

And it isn’t only feelings for ourselves and those we know and love that get hooked in this situation. We have empathy and feel for thousands we don’t know. Sometimes the news is more than the mind can take in. The heart is overloaded and overflows in tears.

This is all part of the hard work of grieving the loss of the world we once knew. Learning to live in the absence of people and things we have come to trust is one of the most exhausting things that we do. In this situation of pandemic we find that there are multiple losses. Our loss of a sense of safety, loss of human contact, loss of confidence in systems to save us, loss of jobs, loss of people we love, loss a clear way forward, can overwhelm our emotional systems.

During these hard times, it is important to be patient with yourself. Feel and name the emotions. Honor your heart. Take time to rest. Nourish your soul on food that comforts and sustains. Share sadness and fear with others. You are not alone. We are all vulnerable. That is the truth of being human. Letting tears and laughter flow can release the physical pressure you feel in the pit of your stomach. Don’t get absorbed in collecting data. Rest from information and allow yourself to be swallowed by music or nature. Let the smaller world of the here-and-now gently hold you and ground you.

INSIGHT

Insights are often a gift of crisis. Especially if we take time to notice. The stealth of our current crisis has so many of us on edge that it may be hard to feel anything other than fear and anxiety. I am grateful for those who are inviting me to pay attention to all that I have to be grateful for.

But I am also conscious of another way of noticing. I am aware of things that are being lost. Or I am aware of my fear of loss. One of the losses I have experienced is the illusion that I could control my life by the decisions I make. I am not sure what decision is best. I have believed that I could stay safe if I protect myself those those who might harm me. But, now, simply standing in a grocery line might harm me. Or I might harm others. And neither of us would even know we did.

As a result of the loss of this illusion that I can make decisions that will protect me, I am becoming aware of how much my well-being depends on others. As I slow down and notice what I have lost, I become much more thoughtful of what really matters to me. I am touched by people reaching out to me to offer help ( I’m not accustomed to being part of the vulnerable population). By naming our losses in this crisis I think we can gain insight into what we really value in life.

The world is changing. It is yet to be determined how this crisis will impact our futures. We are having to mourn the loss of the world we knew a few weeks ago. We will have to learn to live with the world that is emerging. It helps us to grieve well if we can notice and name what we are losing so we might have insight into what we want our life to be on the other side of these losses. So, while my spirits are lifted by remembering the good gifts of this day and this time, I am taking notice of what I have lost and what I am afraid of losing to help me know what really matters in the life that is emerging.

(Here is an article from the Harvard Business Review that helps us think about this. “That Discomfort You Are Feeling is Grief” by Scott Berinato) https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief?fbclid=IwAR2K-gNqqSn41L3l8Uen7OlDapXp4A9nhGgl_vMzDUpk6fizObenXKv8l1o

BARN DOOR

I went to bed at a normal time. I was tired but I could not turn my brain off.  I lay awake and the hands on the clock swept past 12:30 and then 1:30. The last time I remember was 2:15. My problem: I had read of actions by the current administration that greatly disturbed me. I couldn’t shake my anxiety.

But, help came the next morning.  It came from a most unlikely source.  I was reading the sports page.  The story was about Robert Mathis who retired from the Indianapolis Colts at the end of last year.  It was a story about how he just keeps showing up to work with the young players.  He seems to be a volunteer advisor and mentor.  

The current defensive coordinator, Ted Monachino said of Mr. Mathis, “He does a nice job. He’s a good communicator, he’s sharp, he thinks ahead, he sees the game through a barn door instead of through a straw. So, I can see how he fits. I think he’s got a trait to (become a coach).”  (Indy Star, May 10, 2017)

That is just what I needed to hear.  I need to look at the world through a “barn door instead of a straw.”   I so often lose my perspective on life when I get anxious. I get what some people call tunnel vision.  My fear makes me focus on the what disturbs me. 

But, when I open my mind to all the kindness, goodness, and love that is part of my life and is part of so many healthy and happy relationships I am more hopeful.  When I look at all the beautiful and generous people who make up human creation, I realize that looking at the world through a straw is not a way to live.  Sure, there is pain and cruelty. But, there is so much more. My health needs my sleep.  And my sleep needs barn doors.

So, thanks for Mr. Monachino and Mr. Mathis for helping me correct my perspective.

FIRST DRAFT

Sometimes I read something that sounds like good news.  Kenneth Burke once wrote, “We might get he truest slant on ourselves by thinking of our lives as first drafts, as hastily organized essays that we never have a chance to revise.” (Civic Jazz: American Music and Kenneth Burke on the Art of Getting Along, Gregory Clark)

I like that thought. Every day is different. I am different. The people I am with are different. The historical context is different.  Change is the only constant and so each action we take is new. We are constantly trying to figure out how to make sense of our life and how to fit into world in which we find ourselves living.

And so, this is the first draft of an essay that we can never revise because life moves on and the next situation will be new.

I think this is why grace must exist. First drafts are often full of mistakes.  We can’t always say or do the best thing.  We are trying out ideas—some of which work out pretty well and others are disasters. But, tomorrow is a different day and if we are to live without the burdens of mistakes from yesterday, grace must exist.  Forgiveness has to be there to free us to spend our energy on today’s problems without exhausting ourselves trying to rework what might have gone wrong yesterday.

And the truth of Mr. Burke’s statement also points to why it is important to live mindfully. Pay attention to your life as you are living it because that life will never be lived again.  What is happening with the people you live with and love now will never happen again. Your relationships at this moment are the material with which you write the story of your life.  You don’t get a chance to revise it.

Grace and mindfulness.  Important gifts because living is always about writing first drafts.

WISDOM FOR A TIME OF FAKE NEWS

I heard a quote recently that seems to speak to the cultural phenomenon of fake news. Winston Churchill once said, “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”  In the digital era with high-speed internet, we could say, “A lie gets all the way around the world before the truth has a chance to put its pants on.”

And I have discovered that the experience of instant access to anything that anyone has to say leaves me in a very reactionary position. I see headlines and they provoke anger, fear or anxiety. And I  have then wasted precious moments of my life reacting to something before I have a chance to explore the truth of what really happened.

What do we do in this environment?  I have to stop the constant stimuli that is accessible to me when I am bored and have nothing else to do. I need to be suspicious of what I read. I need to get over the impression that I was given as a child that if it is written down it must be true.

And, I need to slow down. I need to access input from the world when I am ready to think about it. I need to slow the scroll. If I am scrolling through the distracting and chaotic feed of Facebook or of a news feed, I need to limit my time by giving privilege to more active endeavors. When I was working as a minister I was told, “Work expands to fill time.”  I have now discovered that “Information has expanded to fill time.”  I may not be able to limit the information that is available to me, but I can limit the amount of time I will expose myself to it.

So, I still have to work to manage my reactive spirit.  But, I think I will try slowing my scrolling and limiting the time I am exposed to input. And I will wait till the truth gets its pants on.