JUDGING

One of my jobs these days is “Transitional Coaching”. Life “in-between” endings and beginnings can be filled with confusion, chaos, fear and self-doubt. I accompany people in these spaces.

After a recent coaching session via Skype with a person in another state, I took a hike. As I walked, I thought about our conversation. But, what kept coming to me was not the words but the visual. I could only see his face and shirt collar. The back ground was blinds and a blank wall. 

I realized how much is lost in just seeing his face. There is no visual context to place the person in. I could not read body language. I realized that the limits of the visual represents the limits of my awareness of the person’s life. Through the stories he tells me I get glimpses, but only glimpses. There is so much of his life and history that are informing what he is saying to me that I will never know.

This is why I think Jesus advised his disciples to “Judge not that you be not judged.” When we make judgments about others, we often do so without very much information about how they got to where they are.  Even if we get some information, there is much that we cannot see in the screen we are using to see them.

And this is not simply a problem for our relationship with others. It is also true for ourselves. We sometimes judge ourselves with only a glimpse into what is really shaping our actions. What we do is shaped by a life-time of experience, much of it not conscious to us at the time we act. So, being critical of ourselves may not be either helpful or fair.

So, I have found that being quick to judge might take a back seat to asking questions so that we or the other person might access more of their life that it might inform their decision. When that happens, they make their own judgments and maybe make better decisions.

LIMITED PERSPECTIVE

Community creates insights. I recently shared in conversation with a group about the issue of forgiveness. As all conversations, this one wandered and was wide ranging. 

One of the men suggested that one of our problems as humans is that we make judgements about each other on too little data. He talked of how rich an experience it was when people in a group were asked to tell stories of their lives. His initial perception of them was radically altered when he heard more of the story of their lives.

I remember struggling with a colleague for several years. I was then on a retreat when he was asked to share his spiritual journey. He told of his childhood, his father who was severe in his judgment of him.  He talked of his struggle to overcome the model that he had witnessed. He talked of the animating energies and his struggles with his own demons. As I listened, my heart softened and beyond that retreat, I was able to relate in a way that was healthier and more grace-filled.

Sometimes we are so committed to our perception of people that was formed at one point or another when we could only see a little of who they were. Maybe if we don't lock ourselves into those perceptions and stay curious about the larger mystery that they are, we would discover persons whom we could care for and relate to more gracefully.

I don't know about you but I hate to be judged on the basis of what I do at one or two points in my life. I want to be seen and known for the self that has lived, loved, screwed up, been forgiven, make mistakes, offered grace, received grace, been weak and wounded, been strong and capable.  When I remember that I want to be seen this way, I can more likely allow myself to see others that way.

I am grateful for what I learn in community.