A RED CHECKERED BLANKET

It is a haunting image. The moment, captured by Kristina Guerra (Indianapolis Star, Monday, February 24, 2014) reveals a little 7 year old girl kneeling on the ground, wrapped in a red checkered blanket, being consoled by her mother.

The little girl's friend had died last night in a house fire that claimed all 6 members of her family. Surrounded by stuffed toys at the make-shift memorial, little Jade wept on the ground, embraced by a red checkered blanket and the loving arms of her Mommy.

When life seems to fall apart, when the people who seem to make your life normal are not there, it matters that you touch the ground. This image embodies some of those things that help ground us when we feel scattered and in chaos.

There is the winter ground--the base on which our life is built. We are sustained by the earth. Some people love to garden--to kneel down and get their hands in the dirt. Some like to hike--putting their boots on the hard soil of stability. Some like to lie back on the hillside and create characters out of the clouds in the sky. Some kneel on the ground in prayer. 

In the image there is a warm wool blanket secured by the warm arms of a mother's hug. When we hurt, we seek out someone who can simply hold us while we work through our pain. Companions on the journey of grief are vitally important. There are certainly times we need to be alone in the company of our own thoughts, but there are other times when the wrapping presence of strong friendships help hold us.

And the stuffed animals anchor the photo.  There on the ground, representing the comfort of the familiar are teddy bears and candles. When things seem to be coming apart, the presence of those things that comfort our soul are important. They may be symbols of love we have received from those who are no longer with us. They may be stories of life that has been lived. They may be symbols of a religious tradition that grounds our chaotic, wandering mind in a larger family of faith.

All these are captured in this powerful image--reminders that we are not alone.  While we may not have answers to why, we can have the presence of others with whom to wait till we have the strength to get up off the ground.  And when you think about it, that is quite a lot.

BREATHING SPACE

In the novel, Middlesex by  Jeffrey Eugenides , a young woman has run away from home. She reports that her parents wait by the phone to get word of her, but they are afraid that they might hear that she has died. They are ambivalent about picking up the phone because "ignorance seemed preferable to grief."

There are times in our lives that knowing the truth about an ending is difficult to hear. We need some protection from the truth because once we know that loss is real, we have to grieve.  And grieving is hard.  It takes lots of work and exhausts us.  Learning to live without someone or something that has been important to our self-understanding requires attention and internal negotiation to determine how to live a new way.

Sanctuary is important. Each of us has to deal with the truth in our own time and our own way.  Denial may not be a healthy way to deal with endings, but it can be a safe place to retreat to at times. To consider all the implications of a significant loss takes time and strength. We need spaces in our lives when we can breath and rest.  The unrelenting truth of loss can wear us down unless we have space where we can rest and renew our strength.

If you know someone who struggles to deal with the end of the way the world was, be graceful with them. Know that sometimes they need to just be held and not wrestle with reality all the time. Be a sanctuary for them and allow your presence to be a sabbath space.  They will return to the struggle with truth when they have the strength.

TEARS

Some of us were raised with this directive:  "Grown men don't cry." Not everyone got the message.

Recent news from the sports world is about Knowshon Moneno and his tears. Moreno, a star player for the Denver Broncos of the NFL seems to not hold back his tears.  The publicity is about how generous the tears are, but some comment on how sentimental he seems to be. 

Now some of us were led to believe that tears were a sign of weakness. We look with wonder on a grown man who shed's tears without shame. We were taught that to be strong one had to buck up and not express our emotions. 

But, my experience of deep grief has taught me something different. "Tears are an important way for us to find release from the pain of our loss. Some people would advise us to give up our pain and get on with our lives. They believe the cure for grieving is just deciding that you are over it.  My experience suggests that pain and sadness are not something we can choose to surrender so easily.  Pain has to give up on us. Tears are a way of helping us rinse out our souls so that the sadness releases its grip on us. (Lose, Love, Live: The Spiritual Gifts of Loss and Change", p. 44)

But, it is more than being freed from the pain. Tears are also a sign of strength. When we are weak, we cannot allow ourselves to feel because it threatens our self control.  But, when we are strong, we can stand the feelings and we can express them.  So, in our learning to live without someone or something that matters, when we are overcome with tears we can take courage because we are gaining strength for living a new life in the future.

I am glad young men didn't get the message that "grown men don't cry." When macho men in the NFL are not afraid to express their sadness, there is hope for better healing of the heart.