Sometimes I just want a witness.
I don’t want a corrector, a fixer, an affirmer or a collaborator. I want a witness.
Living in community with other people is the way we were meant to live. As humans, we come into this world because of the actions of others. We survive the early years of our lives because other people sacrifice themselves to provide sustenance. We grow because other people protect us from harm and share the insights that they have gleaned in life. Other people have collaborated to create a social infrastructure that makes our life easier to navigate.
So, we can’t get along in this world unless we get along together.
And other people provide us services that are important at different times. Sometimes we need correction. I make mistakes and need to have others who may know more about what I am trying to do show me a better way. I have a hard time remembering that there is a difference between baking powder and baking soda. In this case, I need someone around to remind me which is which. I don’t always appreciate it but sometimes I need it.
And other people sometimes are needed to fix something that I did wrong. Sometimes I screw up relationships and it is helpful to have a counselor or a friend mediate the mistake and help me get on a more sustainable path. Sometimes I try to cook and put the wrong spices in the soup. I appreciate it when someone is there to show me how to fix the flavor.
Sometimes I need others to affirm me. I frequently act with only half the confidence I wish I had. Self-doubt takes up residence in my mind and heart and I really appreciate it when someone let’s me know that, at least with them, I acted reasonably effectively. Affirmation is welcomed.
There are also occasions when I need someone to collaborate with me. I have some idea about how to do something but need someone to check it out with. I may want to develop my own ideas but need someone to bounce those ideas off of so that their insights, combined with mine, might enhance to outcome.
But, there are some occasions when what I really want is simply someone with whom to share my life. I want them to simply be a witness.
A witness is someone I can share without expectation of judgment. I want to share successes without thinking I am bragging or arrogant. I want to share shame without being judged. I want to share mistakes without piling on. I want to share fears without feeling that the other thinks I am not strong.
Sometimes I think that postings on social media are simply the result of the desire and need that we have to find a witness. On occasion I just want someone to “like” my post, not because they really like what I said, but to allow me to believe that others acknowledge my presence and existence.
A neighbor recently lost his wife. When I asked him how he was doing, he simply said, “I miss her. I am lonely. I keep thinking she is going to walk in from the kitchen.” He didn’t primarily miss things that she did to fix his problems, or to correct his mistakes, or to collaborate with him on some solution to a complex situation. He missed her presence. She was not there to bear witness to his existence.
And maybe this is how we might describe an evolved relationship with our adult children. When they are young, we may need to correct mistakes that they make because they don’t have knowledge and experience to make good decisions. When they get older, we may have to clean up messes they make because of bad decisions and inexperience. When they are young people we may need to work to collaborate to help them figure out their lives. But, when they become adults and have families of their own, maybe the best thing we can offer them is a witness to the full life they are leading. Maybe it is to hold them in our presence in their joy and their pain.
Maybe like me, you would like a witness to your life. Maybe the best we can sometimes offer each other is a quiet presence which lets us know we are not alone. Maybe we can simply bear witness to the life and value of each other.