BEING RIGHT
When I was younger I wanted to be right. Sometimes I needed to be right. And I took Debate in High School to learn how to convince others that I was right. And then I took Logic in College to learn how to figure out what was right. And then I got 2 graduate degrees in Ethics to solidify my thinking on what was right.
But then I went into parish ministry and learned something. I learned that being right in a community of several hundred people was a fools goal. Everyone had their own truth that they defined as right. And they wanted it to be confirmed by others in the group. Sometimes there were differences that made “rights” hard to get along. In the community of the church I experienced the truth I had learned in courses on ethics—that the good and right is always contextual and that everyone’s experience of their lives shapes how they read the context and the right actions to take.
And it was then that I realized that being right is sometimes not as important as being present. I discovered that sometimes my need to be right prevented me from being fully present to the other person with whom I differed. I learned that sometimes it takes more emotional energy to stay present than it takes intellectual energy to prove that I am right. I discovered that there are times when it is better for me and others if I turn down the volume on my righteousness and turn up the volume on my presence.
And when I have been able to do that, I have discovered that often others are not as committed to their righteousness as I thought they were and when we share presence with each other our “right” views might be modified by something more important.
I started thinking about this when I watched a Ted Talk about the Harvard Men’s Study that followed the lives of close to 500 men over a 75 year period. They explored happiness, health and longevity. They discovered that socio-economic, educational or family background were not the primary contributors to good health and happiness. It was relationships. People who had multiple relationships where they felt supported and cared for and could contribute to the community well-being lived happier, healthier and longer lives.
After watching the talk, I began to wonder. How many times have I failed to nurture presence in relationships because I was committed to being right? How have I maintained some long term relationships in my life when I have not always agreed with those with whom I work or live? What does it take to sustain familial and community relationships?
And I have come to realize that I do not know. I am sure that there are many factors. I think some of it is the ability to love people more than ideas. I think it is related to my ability to care more about connections than correctness. It is not about denying my ethics or my understandings of what is good and right so much as it is turning down the volume of that side of me at times in order to listen more carefully to the heart and longings of the other. If the other is able to sustain their moral identity and I can sustain mine and we still stay present with each other, then the relationship can be maintained.