CONFUSING EMOTIONS

I have spent much of the past 15 years of my life exploring the impact of change and loss on human life.  I have read the insights of many and explored my own experience.  Some of my discoveries are in a little book I published entitled, "Lose, Love, Live: The Spiritual Gifts of Loss and Change."

But, since I first wrote that book I have encountered other epiphanies that contribute to my understanding of this subject.  I have long known that significant loss can make one feel totally out of control.  The emotions that people feel fluctuate so quickly that one feels like one is on an emotional roller-coaster.  Some people feel as if they are going crazy.  These emotional shifts are so frequent and disconcerting that panic sets in.

To grieve loss well, it is important to feel the range of emotions and to be able to speak about them.  Speaking about our emotions help us get some insights into our own actions and also gain some strength to carry those emotions.  But, many have difficulty speaking about their feelings.

I recently read a book (Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides ) which contributed to  my thinking about why it might be difficult to speak about those emotions. The narrator writes about the conflicting emotions of his grandmother when she thought her husband had died.  She not only was overcome with a sudden sense of panic and sadness, but also, almost at the same moment, a sense of happiness that the secret of their life would not be revealed. He then says, "Emotions in my experience are not covered by single words." He then proceeds to search for complex words that would express the complexity of simultaneous, conflicting feelings.

He goes on to postulate that the belief that we can name emotions in single words "may be the best proof that the language is patriarchal in that it over simplifies feeling."  The implication is that men are more inclined to shrink feelings to words that they can comprehend and control than are women.  

Now, I am not inclined to generalize. But, grieving loss requires experiencing the feelings that we feel. Being able to name them helps. And whether your are a man or woman, the ability to simplify feelings is compromised when you suffer the trauma of significant loss. If you know that one who is grieving can’t simplify feelings, you can be patient with them (whether it is you who are grieving or someone about whom you care.)  When the crisis of loss occurs, our disorientation is made worse because of the complexity of our feelings. It takes time to name those feelings.

When you are in a situation like this, allow yourself or another person to name their feelings over and over because they are so complex.  Be patient with yourself or others.  Create opportunities for those feelings to be spoken.  When that occurs, we gain strength to navigate the pain that overwhelms us. 

TOO SIMPLE

As I watch popular pundits explore New Year's resolutions I am struck by how simple they make change look. It only takes 5 minutes a day to develop your abs, you can lose weight simply by drinking a certain concoction, you can live more simply by getting rid of clutter.  Our culture thrives on 2 minute segments and happy posters. We are seduced by simplicity.

And as such, we make decisions to change, work at it for a while and often find that we revert to older patterns of behavior. Most resolutions assume that if we just have more will-power and work harder we will be able to make fundamental changes in our lives.

And I do think commitment and will-power matters.  Nothing much happens unless someone is committed to doing it.

But, my experience causes me to question the sufficiency of will-power.  And that is because we are all part of communities of influence.  We are part of families, social groups, churches, neighborhoods, etc.  And as participants in those social communities, we are not only recipients of their graces, but we are also influenced by their needs and desires.  So, to make changes in ourselves results in changes in the social system.  And that is where the rub comes.

For example, when I had young children at home my daily routine included a great deal of time spent in planning and facilitating life for more than me.  If I decided that I was going to change my routine so that I could exercise more, my ability to keep up the practice was influenced by my family adapting to that.  Now social systems are powerful forces in our lives.  They are designed to maintain patterns of behavior that perpetuate the sustainability of the system.  They are not readily amenable to individuals in the system just deciding to change the way they are doing things. So resolving to exercise more wasn't that simple. 

Now, I am not suggesting that we can't change.  I am not cynical about change.  I am suspicious of any change that people think is simple.  And I don't debunk New Year  resolutions.  But, if we keep making them and think that it will be simple to just muster enough will-power to make them happen without taking into account all the other people in our social systems, we set ourselves up for failure.  And when we fail over and over again, it gets discouraging.

So, as you think of a change or two you might want to make this year, think carefully about what impact that change might have on others and the way you contribute to others social system.  Invite those who are impacted into conversations about your goals.  See if they are willing to give up some of what you were offering for the sake of your desire to improve you own life.  After all, when you are healthy and taking responsibility for your own life, they will have a greater chance to keep you around in their system longer.