PAIN IGNORED

Pain is a clue to pay attention.  When we have a physical pain, it is important to listen to what it is telling us. It may be that our heart is under stress or it may just be that we pulled a muscle shoveling snow.

Emotional and spiritual pain are also important. When you hurt, pay attention.  It may be a clue to some serious disorientation or just a slight blip on the emotional journey.

In her book, "Mourning and Mitzvah", Anne Brener reports on her chaotic journey through loss as she grieved the death of her mother and sister.  In that journey and in her working with others, she has learned that "the only feelings that do not change are those that are ignored.  Only by facing our feelings do we learn and grow. Pain has a size and shape, a beginning and an end.  It takes over only when it is not allowed voice." 

While the painful feelings of loss are confusing and complex, to ignore them is to miss an opportunity to grow and learn. Loss creates a fizzier in our facade.  Just as the earth cracked open by an earthquake reveals layers of history, more of our souls are revealed when our hearts are in upheaval. Paying attention to the clues that pain uncovers helps us explore the mystery of our vast and expansive souls.

Pain has it's own size, its beginning and it's end. We are able to reduce it's size and journey toward it's end when we allow that pain to have voice.  We get stuck in the pain when we are silenced.

One of the greatest gifts we can give those who have experienced deep loss is a presence that creates space in which they can struggle to speak their confusing and conflicting emotions. It is sometimes a difficult task when we have come to expect that person to "have it together."  Or when we need them to be strong.  But, when they have a chance to give their pain voice, they have a greater opportunity to shrink the size of the pain and experience some healing. By your quiet presence, you can offer the gift of sacred space into which the pain of another might find voice.

CONFUSING EMOTIONS

I have spent much of the past 15 years of my life exploring the impact of change and loss on human life.  I have read the insights of many and explored my own experience.  Some of my discoveries are in a little book I published entitled, "Lose, Love, Live: The Spiritual Gifts of Loss and Change."

But, since I first wrote that book I have encountered other epiphanies that contribute to my understanding of this subject.  I have long known that significant loss can make one feel totally out of control.  The emotions that people feel fluctuate so quickly that one feels like one is on an emotional roller-coaster.  Some people feel as if they are going crazy.  These emotional shifts are so frequent and disconcerting that panic sets in.

To grieve loss well, it is important to feel the range of emotions and to be able to speak about them.  Speaking about our emotions help us get some insights into our own actions and also gain some strength to carry those emotions.  But, many have difficulty speaking about their feelings.

I recently read a book (Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides ) which contributed to  my thinking about why it might be difficult to speak about those emotions. The narrator writes about the conflicting emotions of his grandmother when she thought her husband had died.  She not only was overcome with a sudden sense of panic and sadness, but also, almost at the same moment, a sense of happiness that the secret of their life would not be revealed. He then says, "Emotions in my experience are not covered by single words." He then proceeds to search for complex words that would express the complexity of simultaneous, conflicting feelings.

He goes on to postulate that the belief that we can name emotions in single words "may be the best proof that the language is patriarchal in that it over simplifies feeling."  The implication is that men are more inclined to shrink feelings to words that they can comprehend and control than are women.  

Now, I am not inclined to generalize. But, grieving loss requires experiencing the feelings that we feel. Being able to name them helps. And whether your are a man or woman, the ability to simplify feelings is compromised when you suffer the trauma of significant loss. If you know that one who is grieving can’t simplify feelings, you can be patient with them (whether it is you who are grieving or someone about whom you care.)  When the crisis of loss occurs, our disorientation is made worse because of the complexity of our feelings. It takes time to name those feelings.

When you are in a situation like this, allow yourself or another person to name their feelings over and over because they are so complex.  Be patient with yourself or others.  Create opportunities for those feelings to be spoken.  When that occurs, we gain strength to navigate the pain that overwhelms us.