SOUL WORK

Who am I? This is a  soul question. Young people struggle with this mightily as they seek to sort out their unique identity apart from their parents. The question gets accentuated as the attraction of the social groups increases. Frequently the identity claimed by a young person is shaped more by a peer group than simply grounded in a clear self-definition.

But, the problem of self does not disappear when the person has chosen another social group to affirm what they like about themselves at a particular point in life. The spiritual journey of soul is an ongoing life process. Social groups are so powerful that it is often hard to keep one's unique understanding and values distinguished from those of any given group. Keeping clear one's enduring values that reflect one's character requires continual value clarification.

This is done in the internal debate that the multiple values inside of us wage. We want to be unique and distinctive at the same time we want to belong to a group of others like us. We want to be loved and commit ourselves to care for and with others and at the same time, we want the freedom to do what we want. We want both companionship and solitude.

The soul work we each do in our daily spiritual disciplines of deciding is to determine which of the conflicting values seems most appropriate at any given time. We have to chose between the claims of the heart for self-care and pleasure or other-care and the pleasure we get from giving love to others.

Fortunately, this is part of what makes life such an adventure. Unfortunately, this is what makes it so hard to always get it right. Or maybe that is a fortunate consequence of the spiritual struggle. It makes us all humble and thus open to others who are making daily choices as well.  And that humility enhances the depth of community.  That community of humility and grace is a gift.

SACRED SCARED

When I am open to hear and see, insights come from every direction. A friend posted an article on a blog called Momastery.  In this particular blog, "Our Sacred Scared" author Glennon Doyle Melton says that there are two kinds of people who have one thing in common. "The people who are running the world and the people who are sitting life out are exactly the same. They are all messy, complicated, confused people who are unsure of what to do next. They all have messy relationships and insecurities and anger and blind spots. They are ALL AFRAID."

I find this statement (and the whole blog) to be right on target. When we all get down to the core of who we are, we find that we are complicated and filled with conflicting desires and motivations. Our relationships are often confusing, frustrating and satisfying (sometimes all at the same time). We are afraid of losing ourselves in the midst of sharing in community but we are afraid of not belonging to communities and being left out. (I remember very keenly the longing to be included as a teenager in the "cool" people while at the same time desiring to express my unique individuality). We are all scared.

And as Glennon continues in her blog, there are two kinds of scared people: Those who show up and live in the world and those who are waiting till they get it all together before they show up. She quotes the artist Georgia O'Keeffe who said, “I’ve been absolutely terrified every second of my life- and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.”  Glennon suggests that when we show up in relationship to each other with the messiness being revealed, we offer encouragement to others to go ahead and live even if they are afraid.  Sharing our fear is a sacred scared.  It creates courage for life.

I don't know about you, but I think life is too short not to show up. And knowing that fear is going to be there, I want to not let it keep me from doing what I choose to do.

HABITS

When we talk about "habits", we generally think of patterns, customs or practices.  Good or bad habits are the things we do over and over, often without thinking about them.

Sometimes we decide to change our bad habits. We think we will quite one thing and do another thing. We have a lot of confidence in our ability to act on what we decide.

But, anyone who has tried to break a bad habit knows that self-consciousness about it doesn't always result in the ability to stop doing it.  I remember as a child I chewed my finger-nails.  I tried everything to stop it: clear nail polish, slapping my hand, etc. Being conscious about it was not enough.

Because you see, a habit is not simply what we do. It is place we live.  The root of the word habit means "to dwell in" or to "dress".  In other words it is not simply something we do but it enfolds us, it is where we live or what we clothe ourselves with.

And this helps us see that habits are not simply about an individual decision at a particular moment in time, but they surround us and hold us.  The patterns we develop are not only places of comfort for us as individuals, but they are built into the social systems that hold us and the relationships we inhabit.

Alcoholics Anonymous understands this.  When a person tries to deal with alcoholism, they are encouraged to change their social habitat. They avoid places where people are doing that which they are trying to overcome. They find social groups to inhabit who propagate other values that they embrace.

It seems to me that one of the keys to making changes in our lives is to look at our habitat and see what changes we might want to make to the social systems that hold us.  If we change what we surround ourselves with, we might find it easier to develop new patterns of behavior.

FORGIVENESS, FUTURE AND COMMUNITY

Forgiveness is fundamentally about freedom.  It is the core of freedom for the future.  Those who move forward into the future and find a new home in the emerging world are people who have experienced forgiveness.  Forgiveness frees us from the power of the past to control our future.

Frees us from being locked into the past

Free to have the past available to us so that it helps us navigate the future.

Pain of loss or trauma often locks us into itself--into the event or series of events--and we are blinded to the full memory of what the person or the life we had was really about.  Without fullness of understanding, those events often distort our understanding of the present and the future.

Frees us from the distortion that comes from intense pleasure of what has been lost.  High School football star--often relives the glory days--everything was great--full of energy and life--hope and power--praise and achievement--nothing can ever match it.  Pleasure can lock us into the past and we are not free to move into the future with the same hope and energy.

Free from the anger at the past for not being want we wanted it to be--mostly for not being permanent.  If it was important in defining who we knew ourselves to be, when it is gone, we have to reinvent ourselves--redefine ourselves without that other reality--a minister who is loved and hated--both people have to forgive him for leaving because both the lovers and the haters now have to define themselves in relationship to something else--maybe each other.  Forgiveness frees us to that task. Frees us to discover a fuller identity.

Free to redefine the relationships in the future.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting the past--to forget is considered dementia and we lose our identity.  But forgiving helps us remember who we are--even as persons who have been hurt--to learn from who we have been in a effort to help us discover who we might yet be.

We forgive and are forgiven to be freed for a different future.

We long to be free for a new future.

But we fear freedom.

Freedom opens up more choices.  But when we are not accustomed to choices, more choices often paralyzes us--choice anxiety.

Making choices is experienced differently according to the amount of resources we have to use in the choice.  

Take money.  If we have a million dollars it is probably isn’t as difficult to make a choice about which car to buy.  We can choose and then, if we make a mistake, we have enough resources to lose some on the deal and pick a new one.

If on the other hand we make $50,000 per year, the choice of a car will be more difficult.  We have less room to make a mistake. For if we choose the wrong car, having enough resources to replace it will be more difficult to come by.

It seems to me that this is what happens to us in this phase of reorientation in our lives.  In earlier years, we always thought we had time to make up for mistake we might have made when making our choices.  But at our age, we know that we have limited time--and we don’t want to make a wrong choice --so choice anxiety regarding how we are going to spend our limited resources of time might be more paralyzing.

One of the key problems with freedom is that we are given more choices but are unclear how to make responsible decisions about those choices

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Freedom is about responsibility--the ability to respond.

Freedom is about picking something or someone new to whom to be responsible.  We find some other value or ideal or person or job to respond to.

If we were partnered, that primary partner gave structure to our responses.  We knew that when it came to the commitment of our time, she/he would receive more of it than many of our other relationships.  But, when that partner is no longer there, the value priority that he/she offered is not there.  We have freedom to respond to many other people--and we have choices--but are uncertain about how to value them and thus allow that value to shape our decision making.

Same with work--work requires commitment, predictability, significant time.  Because of our commitment of time to that work, we don’t have as many other choices.  We can’t respond to as many other offers of things to do with our time.  But, when that work is gone, we have freedom to choose to respond to many other things--without the structure that having to make money gave us.

Thus, if forgiveness is about freedom, and freedom is about responsibility--the ability to respond--then sometimes our inability to forgive the past for not being permanent is grounded in our fear of freedom.

And this then becomes a spiritual issue.  Who can we trust in a future which is unpredictable? 

 

This is the issue that the Hebrew people had.  Their faith in God was tested as they were free from slavery--wandering in the wilderness.  Was the God of their ancestors trustworthy in the future?  Do we really believe that the God who provided offspring to old Sarah and Abraham will provide bread for us?  Do we really believe that the God who experienced the dying of the old order will have the ability to hold us while the new order is being structured?  Can we forgive God for not making the way things were the way things will always be?  Can we forgive God for not making permanent the structures we have come to love and trust?  Our ability to believe in God is directly related to our ability to be freed from the pain of not getting the world the way we wanted it so that we can be open to seeing the way God is remaking the world of the future.

And what does it take for us to make that trust operative within our hearts and not just some mental commitment?

I think it takes a community of people--a steadfast community--one that is God like--that is one that will be there, suffering with me in my transition in life.  Loss and transition are times of deep vulnerability where we fear for our very existence--because our existence as we have known it is threatened at worse and shaky at best.  The presence of faithful companions is critical to our ability to trust that God will be there in our unknown future with some structure that will make us feel safe. When we are feeling like a stranger to ourselves, it is good to have persons around who help us remember who we were and who find us interesting even when we are strange.  But more importantly, who will be there for and with us as we welcome the stranger and become friends with the new world in which we are living.