RESILIENCE

Living well requires the capacity to adapt. Being reslient is the capacity to rebound. When one has had a significant setback (which we all experience at certain times in our lives) one's capacity to learn to live again beyond the crisis determines how happy they will be. When the past pain holds on so tight that we can't breathe the fresh air of tomorrow we miss much of what life has to offer.

Michael Sperber, MD suggests that one's capacity for resliience is related to one's capacity to "being-in-the-world." (Psychiatric  Times, July 2, 2012). He believes that the capacity adapt is related to the person engaging in three different conversations. One is being dialogue with nature. That is, the ability to ground yourself in the present is related to your being embrace by that of which we are a part and which sustains us. 

Anne Frank put it this way. "The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature, and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles." (Diary of a Young Girl, 1986).

As spring invades the heart land, I am discovering again the healing quality of being in nature. Dialogue with the expanse of sky and the solid footing of ground helps heal my pain and nurtures my soul. Maybe it can become a solace for you as well.

NO REGRETS

I have heard people say that we ought to live so that when we die we will have no regrets.  I have thought about that and wondered how that might be possible.  I have concluded that for most humans, it is an impossibility.

Regret is a word that means "a feeling of remorse or sorrow for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc." (Dictionary.com). We live with some popular misconceptions that sorrow is somehow a bad thing. Some people think that one ought to live with eyes only on the positive--the gains--the gifts.  

But, who among us has not lost something that we wanted or been disappointed because life didn't work out the way we wanted it to?  Regret is the normal human response to our complex and interesting humanity that dreams of that which is not. Those dreams are our imagination filling in the future with possibilities that have not yet been realized. The greater the imagination, the more dreams one has.  The more dreams one has the more disappointments one will experience.  Not all dreams can be fulfilled.  To fulfill one dream is to lose another dream.  Thus regrets.

So, I don't think we ought to live so as to have  "no regrets" when we die.  To do that is to live a small life. I think we live with dreams, leaning into the unknown future with multiple possibilities, and then learn to grieve the loss of those dreams that don't get fulfilled.  When we do this, we feel excitement of hope and possibility, the disappointment of unfulfilled dreams, the sadness that accompanies loss of possibilities, and in this experience, we discover more about who we are and who we might become.

And then we grieve, we allow our discoveries to form our imagination for our future, and we open up to the limited reality of tomorrow. We learn from our regrets and we create new visions for our future. 

GROWING SPIRITUALLY

Anger is part of the normal feelings that one has when one has had a significant loss.  But, it is more than that. I reflect on that in my book, "Lose, Love, Live:  The Spiritual Gifts of Loss and Change."

"Being in touch with our anger and fear and anxiety is a vital part of growing spiritually. To grow spiritually requires centering our lives in that which can sustain us in the midst of the changing world around us.  Spiritual strength is the ability to stay on course even when the winds of threat and fear would knock us off.  If we are in touch with our fears and our anger, then we are more aware of what we are putting our trust in.  To trust our souls to those things that can be taken from us is to be vulnerable to manipulation by the powers that would control us.  To trust in the energy of life that creates and re-creates us, ever calling us into a new world, is to be defined by that which has eternal qualities."

CHURCH GROWTH AND GRIEF

This came from a friend. I find that I disagree with the premise of Mr. Anderson. Grief is not killing the church--our fear of grieving is killing the church. My colleague Bernie Lyon and I will publish a book in April, 2012 "How to Lead in Church Conflict: Healing Ungrieved Loss" (Abingdon) and in that book we define grieving as "learning to live again in the absence of someone or something significant." Conflict over the future is grounded in our fear of what we will lose in the future. Our assumption is that grieving well is the way to move forward toward the world that God is creating.  Churches who embrace the future are ones that are able to name their losses and pain, express their anger over the loss of their identity, remember well enough that the past is memorialized and human, confess their guilt and shame and embrace the forgiving grace of God that frees them to move forward.  Then grateful hearts are freed to imagine and play with new  possibilities and the church can not only vision a new future but can access the energy to move toward it.  The future is grounded in the soil of the past and grieving is the way churches discover the germinating seeds that will become their future.  Our advice is therefore that congregations grieve their losses as a way of welcoming the future.

How do you think grief effects the vitality of church growth? 

 http://www.churchleadership.com/leadingideas/leaddocs/2011/110817_article.html
   

JOB LOSS

Losing a job is a major time for pain and grief.  Even if opportunities open up because you lost the job, there are many things about a job loss that are a real challenge.

To grieve any loss, it is important to identify the multiple layers of loss that occur when something significant, like a job, disappears.  If we name the multiple losses in any loss, we can understand not only why the pain lingers but what we need learn to live without or find some other way to satisfy the need that the loss creates. Just naming those losses can be helpful.

Here are a few things that you might discover that disappears when you lose a job:

1.  Contact with job friends.

2.  Purpose that comes from getting up each day and having something to do that others expect you to do.

3.  Focus that comes from particular tasks that the job offers.

4.  Confidence in yourself as being able to do a job.

5.  Trust in the system to provide you with meaningful work.

6.  Income to support you and your family.

7.  Confidence in the future.

8.  Hope that is grounded in a predictable present.

9.  Confidence in your ability to get a new job.

10.  Confidence in  your ability to come up with the new skills for a new job.

These are just a few things that you might lose when you lose a job.  To grieve the loss of a job (that is to learn to live again in the absence of this significant activity by which much of your life has been defined) requires a journey of discovering yourself and your new future.  But, it begins with the naming of the multiple layers of loss.   Keep a list.  Add to it.  

And when you do, you can then begin to find ways to address the different losses.  While you are re-focusing and moving toward a new job or career, begin to address some of the losses that you can focus on at the same time.