DIAGNOSIS

Grieving is what happens when there are endings.  When you have trusted your life to be lived in a certain way and then something happens to cause you to question whether it will continue to be lived that way, grieving begins to happen.

That is why a diagnosis is an occasion for grieving. If you have been able to be independent and self-supporting and then you are diagnosed with a disease that might compromise those self-supporting activities, you have to learn to live again in light of the new reality.

Because of this, we start acting in ways that we may not like.  We name our losses and feel the pain of fear and anxiety that comes with uncertainty.  We find ourselves getting angry at others, even those who have not had anything to do with our situation.  We get angry at others who are not threatened like we are.  We begin reminscing about days in the past when things were good. We look around for someone or something to blame and assign guilt.  

But, for us to be free to live with our disease or our altered circumstance, we need to be freed from our guilt and our pain.  Over time a forgiving spirit can emerge.  I don't think forgiveness is something that someone simply decides to do.  I think it is often a gift that comes to us when we work through our losses and when we gain strength to imagine new and different ways of being. We are resilient people and it is possible to discover new things about ourselves and new possibilities for our lives.

The emerging of new life can be terribly painful. Don't let anyone talk you out of your pain. But, find some friends to talk with about it. Shared pain can be more manageable. Explore your new new limits.  See what you can do with the new reality. It is not easy but it can be redemptive.  

PAIN IGNORED

Pain is a clue to pay attention.  When we have a physical pain, it is important to listen to what it is telling us. It may be that our heart is under stress or it may just be that we pulled a muscle shoveling snow.

Emotional and spiritual pain are also important. When you hurt, pay attention.  It may be a clue to some serious disorientation or just a slight blip on the emotional journey.

In her book, "Mourning and Mitzvah", Anne Brener reports on her chaotic journey through loss as she grieved the death of her mother and sister.  In that journey and in her working with others, she has learned that "the only feelings that do not change are those that are ignored.  Only by facing our feelings do we learn and grow. Pain has a size and shape, a beginning and an end.  It takes over only when it is not allowed voice." 

While the painful feelings of loss are confusing and complex, to ignore them is to miss an opportunity to grow and learn. Loss creates a fizzier in our facade.  Just as the earth cracked open by an earthquake reveals layers of history, more of our souls are revealed when our hearts are in upheaval. Paying attention to the clues that pain uncovers helps us explore the mystery of our vast and expansive souls.

Pain has it's own size, its beginning and it's end. We are able to reduce it's size and journey toward it's end when we allow that pain to have voice.  We get stuck in the pain when we are silenced.

One of the greatest gifts we can give those who have experienced deep loss is a presence that creates space in which they can struggle to speak their confusing and conflicting emotions. It is sometimes a difficult task when we have come to expect that person to "have it together."  Or when we need them to be strong.  But, when they have a chance to give their pain voice, they have a greater opportunity to shrink the size of the pain and experience some healing. By your quiet presence, you can offer the gift of sacred space into which the pain of another might find voice.

TIME HEALS

You hear it whenever someone doesn't know what else to say.  "Time heals all wounds."  I am not sure this is true.

My experience indicates that some wounds cut deep.  The loss of someone who is signfiicant in your life creates a deep canyon in the heart of your soul.  While time may ease the pain, the scar will always be there.

What troubles me about this word that people speak to each other is that it has a passive implication.  One could gather from this statement that time will do the work and that all we have to do is wait for it to work.

Grieving loss is not a passive exercise.  It is really hard work.  And it is an opportunity.  For the tearing away of part of your life creates an opportunity for you to discover more about yourself.  To simply wait for time to heal causes you to miss the opportunity to learn more about your own life.

In my book, "Lose, Love, Live: The Spiritual Gifts of Loss and Change" I offer an active guide for persons to discover more of their life as they work through loss.  Grieving (learning to live again in the absence of someone or something significant) is an occasion to discover a fuller and deeper understanding of oneself.  It creates multiple opportuntities for growth and change.  

Time, coupled with the work of self discovery, can contribute to healing.  But, don't expect time to do all the work.