TEARS

Some of us were raised with this directive:  "Grown men don't cry." Not everyone got the message.

Recent news from the sports world is about Knowshon Moneno and his tears. Moreno, a star player for the Denver Broncos of the NFL seems to not hold back his tears.  The publicity is about how generous the tears are, but some comment on how sentimental he seems to be. 

Now some of us were led to believe that tears were a sign of weakness. We look with wonder on a grown man who shed's tears without shame. We were taught that to be strong one had to buck up and not express our emotions. 

But, my experience of deep grief has taught me something different. "Tears are an important way for us to find release from the pain of our loss. Some people would advise us to give up our pain and get on with our lives. They believe the cure for grieving is just deciding that you are over it.  My experience suggests that pain and sadness are not something we can choose to surrender so easily.  Pain has to give up on us. Tears are a way of helping us rinse out our souls so that the sadness releases its grip on us. (Lose, Love, Live: The Spiritual Gifts of Loss and Change", p. 44)

But, it is more than being freed from the pain. Tears are also a sign of strength. When we are weak, we cannot allow ourselves to feel because it threatens our self control.  But, when we are strong, we can stand the feelings and we can express them.  So, in our learning to live without someone or something that matters, when we are overcome with tears we can take courage because we are gaining strength for living a new life in the future.

I am glad young men didn't get the message that "grown men don't cry." When macho men in the NFL are not afraid to express their sadness, there is hope for better healing of the heart.

GROWING SPIRITUALLY

Anger is part of the normal feelings that one has when one has had a significant loss.  But, it is more than that. I reflect on that in my book, "Lose, Love, Live:  The Spiritual Gifts of Loss and Change."

"Being in touch with our anger and fear and anxiety is a vital part of growing spiritually. To grow spiritually requires centering our lives in that which can sustain us in the midst of the changing world around us.  Spiritual strength is the ability to stay on course even when the winds of threat and fear would knock us off.  If we are in touch with our fears and our anger, then we are more aware of what we are putting our trust in.  To trust our souls to those things that can be taken from us is to be vulnerable to manipulation by the powers that would control us.  To trust in the energy of life that creates and re-creates us, ever calling us into a new world, is to be defined by that which has eternal qualities."

DIET OF THE MIND

I read recently of someone suggesting that we might need a "diet of the mind". Some of us are over-weight with information.  We gorge ourselves on data.  We have to know what is happening to people in the world. We must know what all our Facebook friends are doing.  We need to keep up with all the latest sports or celebrity news. We need to know what our church or social group is doing. We need to know the latest research about our profession. Information overload!

It's almost like we think that the more we know, the more we can protect ourselves from being caught off-guard. It's like there might be something out there that could save us if we just know what it is. But, what do we need to be saved from? Sometimes I think if I just knew more I wouldn't have to feel alone. If I could get enough friends on Facebook or followers on Twitter I will be OK. If I know enough about the latest global crisis I can keep safe from it's impact.

And sometimes this almost functions like an addiction.  Information overload insulates us from having to interact with the people around us. We can only feel so much. We may feel so much empathy and sympathy for refugees in Syria that we don't have enough energy left to allow the empathy we feel for the person in the nursing home to motivate us to visit them.  If we feel enough excitement over the victory of our favorite sports team, we don't have to interact with groups who are fighting for victory over cancer.

Maybe we need a new organization called Information Anonymous. Much as other addictions keep us from feeling our feelings and sharing our rich and sometimes confusing selves, addiction to information can be a shield against intimacy.  Caring about everything leaves us so little energy that we end up caring about nothing.  If we care so much about everything that we don’t have to decide what matters most.

I don't have to deal with physical weight loss at this point in my life, but I could certainly stand to lose some weight that over-consuming information has contributed to my heavy mind.

STARTING THE DAY

The other day I challenged the frigid cold and went out to get the morning paper.  Headlines were related to a new effort of the state legislature in Indiana to move forward a resolution that would allow state citizens to vote on an amendment to the state constitution that would deny people to legally to commit themselves to each other because they are gay.

I handed the paper to Deb and said, "I'll take the sports page.  I don't want to start my day angry."  I get very angry when I think of people being denied the right to protect their rights to life, liberty and happiness. People I love are committed to persons of the same sex. They are committed to love and fidelity and are working hard to raise their children to be loving and caring humans. It makes me angry that some of them are denied access to their loved ones when they are hospitalized.  It angers me that they don't have the economic benefit that I do as a married tax payer.  It angers me that they are discriminated against because they love someone else.

As I sat down to read the sports section, I wondered about my anger. I know that anger is related to loss. I know that anger is a response to threat. It is the body's way of generating energy to fight that which threatens us or gives us the energy to flee the danger.  What am afraid I am losing?

If this passes and becomes a part of the constitution of this state, I will lose my belief that justice and equality are truly part of the fabric of our society.  People I love will lose hope for the right to be legally protected against discrimination. Family and friends will lose their right to love and be loved the way they want.  The loss of freedom of any threatens the freedom of all. When the rights of the minority are not protected, my rights of all are threatened. I lose hope that the world I leave for my grandchildren will be a far less hospitable place for them and their friends.

What do we do with anger?  We use the energy not to attack and to kill, but to be politically active to influence the legislature to act with compassion and justice for all people.  We use it to support those organizations who work tirelessly for the rights of all humans. I want warm love and merciful justice to be the governing values that shape the world my grandchlldren inherit. Listening to  my anger is an important act of love.

PAIN IGNORED

Pain is a clue to pay attention.  When we have a physical pain, it is important to listen to what it is telling us. It may be that our heart is under stress or it may just be that we pulled a muscle shoveling snow.

Emotional and spiritual pain are also important. When you hurt, pay attention.  It may be a clue to some serious disorientation or just a slight blip on the emotional journey.

In her book, "Mourning and Mitzvah", Anne Brener reports on her chaotic journey through loss as she grieved the death of her mother and sister.  In that journey and in her working with others, she has learned that "the only feelings that do not change are those that are ignored.  Only by facing our feelings do we learn and grow. Pain has a size and shape, a beginning and an end.  It takes over only when it is not allowed voice." 

While the painful feelings of loss are confusing and complex, to ignore them is to miss an opportunity to grow and learn. Loss creates a fizzier in our facade.  Just as the earth cracked open by an earthquake reveals layers of history, more of our souls are revealed when our hearts are in upheaval. Paying attention to the clues that pain uncovers helps us explore the mystery of our vast and expansive souls.

Pain has it's own size, its beginning and it's end. We are able to reduce it's size and journey toward it's end when we allow that pain to have voice.  We get stuck in the pain when we are silenced.

One of the greatest gifts we can give those who have experienced deep loss is a presence that creates space in which they can struggle to speak their confusing and conflicting emotions. It is sometimes a difficult task when we have come to expect that person to "have it together."  Or when we need them to be strong.  But, when they have a chance to give their pain voice, they have a greater opportunity to shrink the size of the pain and experience some healing. By your quiet presence, you can offer the gift of sacred space into which the pain of another might find voice.