WITNESS

Sometimes I just want a witness.

I don’t want a corrector, a fixer, an affirmer or a collaborator.  I want a witness.

Living in community with other people is the way we were meant to live. As humans, we come into this world because of the actions of others. We survive the early years of our lives because other people sacrifice themselves to provide sustenance. We grow because other people protect us from harm and share the insights that they have gleaned in life. Other people have collaborated to create a social infrastructure that makes our life easier to navigate.

So, we can’t get along in this world unless we get along together.

And other people provide us services that are important at different times.  Sometimes we need correction. I make mistakes and need to have others who may know more about what I am trying to do show me a better way. I have a hard time remembering that there is a difference between baking powder and baking soda. In this case, I need someone around to remind me which is which. I don’t always appreciate it but sometimes I need it.

And other people sometimes are needed to fix something that I did wrong. Sometimes I screw up relationships and it is helpful to have a counselor or a friend mediate the mistake and help me get on a more sustainable path.  Sometimes I try to cook and put the wrong spices in the soup. I appreciate it when someone is there to show me how to fix the flavor.

Sometimes I need others to affirm me. I frequently act with only half the confidence I wish I had. Self-doubt takes up residence in my mind and heart and I really appreciate it when someone let’s me know that, at least with them, I acted reasonably effectively. Affirmation is welcomed.

There are also occasions when I need someone to collaborate with me. I have some idea about  how to do something but need someone to check it out with.  I may want to develop my own ideas but need someone to bounce those ideas off of so that their insights, combined with mine, might enhance to outcome.

But, there are some occasions when what I really want is simply someone with whom to share my life.  I want them to simply be a witness.  

A witness is someone I can share without expectation of judgment. I want to share successes without thinking I am bragging or arrogant. I want to share shame without being judged. I want to share mistakes without piling on. I want to share fears without feeling that the other thinks I am not strong. 

Sometimes I think that postings on social media are simply the result of the desire and need that we have to find a witness. On occasion I just want someone to “like” my post, not because they really like what I said, but to allow me to believe that others acknowledge my presence and existence.

A neighbor recently lost his wife. When I asked him how he was doing, he simply said, “I miss her. I am lonely. I keep thinking she is going to walk in from the kitchen.” He didn’t primarily miss things that she did to fix his problems, or to correct his mistakes, or to collaborate with him on some solution to a complex situation.  He missed her presence.  She was not there to bear witness to his existence.

And maybe this is how we might describe an evolved relationship with our adult children. When they are young, we may need to correct mistakes that they  make because they don’t have knowledge and experience to make good decisions. When they get older, we may have to clean up messes they make because of bad decisions and inexperience. When they are young people we may need to work to collaborate to help them figure out their lives.  But, when they become adults and have families of their own, maybe the best thing we can offer them is a witness to the full life they are leading.  Maybe it is to hold them in our presence in their joy and their pain.

Maybe like me, you would like a witness to your life. Maybe the best we can sometimes offer each other is a quiet presence which lets us know we are not alone. Maybe we can simply bear witness to the life and value of each other.

BEING RIGHT

BEING RIGHT

When I was younger I wanted to be right. Sometimes I needed to be right. And I took Debate in High School to learn how to convince others that I was right. And then I took Logic in College to learn how to figure out what was right. And then I got 2 graduate degrees in Ethics to solidify my thinking on what was right.

But then I went into parish ministry and learned something. I learned that being right in a community of several hundred people was a fools goal. Everyone had their own truth that they defined as right. And they wanted it to be confirmed by others in the group. Sometimes there were differences that made “rights” hard to get along. In the community of the church I experienced the truth I had learned in courses on ethics—that the good and right is always contextual and that everyone’s experience of their lives shapes how they read the context and the right actions to take.

And it was then that I realized that being right is sometimes not as important as being present. I discovered that sometimes my need to be right prevented me from being fully present to the other person with whom I differed. I learned that sometimes it takes more emotional energy to stay present than it takes intellectual energy to prove that I am right. I discovered that there are times when it is better for me and others if I turn down the volume on my righteousness and turn up the volume on my presence.

And when I have been able to do that, I have discovered that often others are not as committed to their righteousness as I thought they were and when we share presence with each other our “right” views might be modified by something more important.

I started thinking about this when I watched a Ted Talk about the Harvard Men’s Study that followed the lives of close to 500 men over a 75 year period. They explored happiness, health and longevity. They discovered that socio-economic, educational or family background were not the primary contributors to good health and happiness. It was relationships. People who had multiple relationships where they felt supported and cared for and could contribute to the community well-being lived happier, healthier and longer lives.

After watching the talk, I began to wonder. How many times have I failed to nurture presence in relationships because I was committed to being right? How have I maintained some long term relationships in my life when I have not always agreed with those with whom I work or live? What does it take to sustain familial and community relationships?

And I have come to realize that I do not know. I am sure that there are many factors. I think some of it is the ability to love people more than ideas. I think it is related to my ability to care more about connections than correctness. It is not about denying my ethics or my understandings of what is good and right so much as it is turning down the volume of that side of me at times in order to listen more carefully to the heart and longings of the other. If the other is able to sustain their moral identity and I can sustain mine and we still stay present with each other, then the relationship can be maintained.

SPIRIT

When all around you seems to be coming unglued, when foundations shake and dreams shatter, when fear eats away at your confidence and terrorizes you in the middle of the night, what do you do?

Many of us are feeling out of balance. The economic crisis, the health crisis, the racial tensions and the ecological threats work together to disorient us. Things we have trusted do not seem to hold.

I have been experiencing the world’s pain and stress and realize that my soul is unsteady. Where can I stand that is stable? What can I trust to guide me through all these external and existential upheavals? What spirit transcends the circumstances of my life and shapes the way I make it through?

These are spiritual questions. Crises in our lives often create spiritual disorientation. We discover in the midst of our losses that we have trusted our well-being to the world around us. But, the world around us doesn’t always sustain.

I have been driven back to my roots. When nothing else holds me, I am held by love. Whatever changes, I love. Whatever threatens, I am loved.

In my struggle to find my way in this time, I am reminded of an event in my young adulthood. I was struggling with despair, with a loss of faith, a lack of trust in what life was about. “In my quest to answer that question I turned to one of my professors, . . . I was frightened and losing myself. [He} asked me, ‘do you believe anything at all?’ I thought a while and finally said, ‘Well I believe that love is better than not love.’ to which he said, ‘Faith is like a bicycle. You have to be moving to keep your balance. So if you believe in love, ride love.’” (p.116 in ‘LOSE, LOVE LIVE: THE SPIRITUAL GIFTS OF LOSS AND CHANGE)

So I am riding love; loving and being loved. The limits of our present situation require that I find new ways of caring for others. I have to listen and respond in new ways. And I have to receive love of others in the way they can give it. It may not be done as it was in the past, before COVID, but care is offered. When I feel out of balanced, I go back to love.

Scripture tells us that perfect love casts out fear. I am not there. And probably will never be there. But, imperfect love can moderate fear, and it can give me some direction forward. It may not be all I want, but it may be enough for me to keep my balance through the chaos of this time. And that will be really good!

DISAPPOINTMENT

I  have heard it a lot these days. In the tears of children. In the frustration of youth and young adults. In the tired and discouraged voices of adults. In the longing of older adults. In my own heart.

We didn’t get to: graduate, have a birthday party, go to the prom, meet the family on vacation, have a visit with the grandchildren, and the list goes on and on.

Dreams dashed. Plans cancelled. Hopes withered.

So much disappointment! So much wasted anticipation. So much planning down the drain.

Of course this COVID season has many deep and profound losses to grieve: jobs, family members, health, financial security, safety. So many people have had what they have trusted and based their mental and physical health knocked out from under them.

But, disappointment is also about loss too.  Dreams are real. Plans are real. Much of our lives are lived and enriched by anticipation of that which is to come.  And while I know that the loss of these isn’t on the scale of the life threatening losses of many, I don’t think we should diminish them. Not getting to do them hurts. 

And they are to be grieved. Children and old people, young people and adults who are disappointed have to learn to live without the dream and plan that was important.  We must learn to live without something that really mattered to us. To diminish our feelings because these losses are not of the magnitude of the losses that others experience does a disservice to our spirits and our ability to learn to grieve other losses of our lives.

So, when you identify disappointments in yourself or others around you, listen. Allow words to form around the feelings.  Allow pain and anger to be expressed. Create a space inside yourself or in the hearts of others where pain can be held in merciful grace. Eventually we will have to forgive the world for not being what we wanted it to be. We will have to work through our feelings till the pain of our disappointment will ease and we can open up to the new possibilities that are ours.  

These are tough times.  And our feelings are raw and on edge. We need to honor them rather than dismiss them. We need to show tenderness to ourselves and those around us. The future will open up and we will need our energy and our ego to navigate the new choices that we have to make. We will need each other to find our way forward. 

SAD

“I don’t understand.  Why am I so sad these days?” 

This question came up recently in a conversation with a friend. He was reflecting on his feelings and how they had evolved over the months we have been stumbling our way through the COVID wilderness. 

“When this first started I was mad and scared. And I was sad over the things I couldn’t do.  But, I thought I had gotten past that. Now, it seems, out of no where sadness overtake me when I least expect it.”

I am not sure why it is, but it does seem that the longer this crisis drags on, the more the emotion of sadness infects the air around my heart.

In my work in the area of grief and loss, I have come to realize that this re-emerging sadness is fairly normal. Immediately after any significant loss, we know that things have ended.  That is, we know it in our head.  And we are sad.

But, as the absences extend into weeks and months, we “know” the loss more internally. As we live into the loss, we realize three things. One is that the losses we experience are more likely to be permanent. Our bodies catch up with our mind’s knowledge of the absence, and the feelings rise up out of the depth of our souls.

And a second realization takes place. Any loss has multiple components to it. The loss of our trust in the ability to stay safe means that we have also lost hugs, mobility, socialization, communal worship. And when can we make plans? What is our future? So many losses! Fear has tentacles that reach into every dimension of our lives.

And, the longer this goes, the more tired we become. And when we become tired, we are less able to regulate our emotions. So, sadness creeps up on us and surprises us.

So, if you too are discovering deeper sadness these days, you are not alone. As you grieve the losses of your lives and learn to live without important parts of what you have counted on, explore your internal life. Let tears do their work. Don’t waste energy keeping your sadness at bay. Give into it and let the tension go. In the release of tears we open ourselves to new energy which we need for living into the world to which God is calling us.

And then reach out to others by phone or letter or virtual reality and let them share their sadness with you.  Sharing pain can ease the tension and give us space to move forward into the next day in this wilderness journey.